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Six Million Dollar Balloney

The United States government has just released previously classified photos thanks to the Freedom of Information Act.

This allowed Balloney researchers unprecedented access to the secret world of Balloney. The following photo essay below was assembled from newly released documents.

In 1973, Mr. Balloney was working on the "B-BomB" - a weapon so horrible it was soon terminated after the "incident". In the "Incident" Mr. Balloney was hooking up the last connections on his test B-BomB. Unfortunately his leg twitched and the results are shown at left from a viewing station several miles distant.

Mr. Balloney's remains were flown to a local 7-11 convenience store and packed in freezing slushy drink and then flown again to a secret Naval medical hospital. The photo you see is in the emergency room.

The U.S. Government used the tragedy to attempt the inconceivable task of building replacement parts for the puppet man. From the only piece that could be found of Mr. Balloney, his left nostril, genetic designers, zenobiologists and biomechanical engineers set out to replicate the Balloney individual.

Mr. Balloney's circulatory system was recreated.
Due to the post-war budget cuts his innards had to be constructed from used drinking straws. This is the original structure at right, it had to be redesigned after Mr. Balloney had his first meal.

Months and months of work passed - trials and errors, errors and trials, long lunch breaks. At long last the final items were just about ready. Circulatory systems, bio mechanical systems, but there was one last item.

The Brains. The famous Swiss brain builder Kevlar Rotundrum, attempted the first synthetic brain processor. He went mad and was sent to the sanitarium. The next brain creator, Intel was rejected when chip technicians were seen to be a bunch of dancing dorks. It was then discovered that Mr. Balloney didn't have any brains to begin with, so no further work was done in this area.

It was time for the regeneration. The big day was coming. A working outlet was found, power was applied. It was finally happening. The Balloney man would live again! I have to go off and cry now, I'm overcome with emotion.